Terrified

"Why didn't you tell me that parenting was so terrifying? lol"

I chuckled as I read the text from my sister at Selah's 4:00 am feeding.  My sister was up feeding her six week old at the same time, and we had been texting back and forth.  When I shared her text with another friend of mine who is a new mom of a two month old, she said, "I completely agree with your sister.  This is the most terrified I've been in my entire life." It reminded me of a quote from one of my favorite choral composers, Eric Whitacre: "The terror of performing never goes away.  Instead, you get very, very comfortable being terrified."  Being entrusted with this helpless little life is terrifying.  If you aren't even the least bit scared, you might not completely realize the immense responsibility that has just been given to you.

If there is anything in life that strips away the illusion you are in any way in control, it's parenting.  You carry this baby for close to forty weeks, hoping and praying she is growing strong and healthy because you can't see what's happening inside. Labor is one of the most unpredictable and inevitable events ever.  I mean, you know you have to go through labor and delivery in some way, shape, or form in order to get this baby out of you, but don't you dare Google or WebMD "labor and delivery" because you will then begin to imagine the hundred and one things that could go wrong. Then, the baby is finally here and for one euphoric moment you think, "That's it! I've done it!' before all the worries and fears about "Is that normal? Should she be doing that? Is that enough diapers?"  Plus there is  our personal favorite, "I don't know why she's crying! Why is she crying? Is something wrong?" :)  Let's not even talk about the actual raising and shepherding of a child or teenager's heart and the worry and unpredictability that brings into your life!

Much of my daily struggle in walking with Jesus has been in trying to direct my own path instead of trusting that He knows the way. As I look at this little baby next to my keyboard, I'm reminded of Paul David Tripp saying, "We are all born into this world as sinners desiring to be God.  Wanting to speak, and it will happen."  I'm a first-born, extroverted educator, so I naturally like being able to plan, predict, and "speak" what is going to happen next. But, parenting is the real life lesson God has given me to teach me to trust and rely on Him. I'm not a big fan of stepping out into the unknown without having my bullet-pointed travel itinerary in one hand and the steering wheel in the other. However, when I truly trust Him, giving all my worries and fears over to Him, those experiences are the sweetest times I have had with my Lord.  Yes, parenting is one of the scariest paths Nathaniel and I have ever undertaken(twice now), but it is also the path that encourages me to walk a little closer beside my Jesus.  Because He knows the way (and why she's crying) even when I do not.

--Gabrielle Haston

(There should be an adorable picture of Selah alongside the computer to accompany this piece, but your blog manager could not get it to transfer properly. So sorry. It's truly the cutest thing ever!)