The Lessons I’m Learning in the Midst of my Husband’s Cancer

We all know that one phone call can dramatically change a day, upcoming months, or one’s entire life. For me, one of those phone calls came when on May 7^th, my husband called to tell me that his doctor wanted him to come into the office because something unusual had showed up on his CT scan. Kelly had been experiencing severe stomach pain in two different days-long bouts over the previous month. Prior to seeing the scan, the doctor believed it was some form of colitis and he was going to send Kelly the results of the scan on-line. So, the fact he was now calling and telling Kelly to come in was not a good sign. Riddled with fear, I got on my knees and begged God that it would not be anything life-threatening. I turned to Psalm 139 because of the promise I knew I would see there of God’s sovereignty over our very lives.

The devastating news we received that day was that there was a mass on Kelly’s stomach; the doctor said it was serious. We were told not to look up stomach cancer on-line; I knew enough to know that, humanly speaking, the prognosis is not good. That evening and night were the hardest in my life with thoughts and fears of the future crowding in. Kelly was scheduled for an upper endoscopy the very next day that would hopefully give us more information. That morning before we left for the hospital, I begged the Lord for some word of hope as a result of the biopsy we were about to receive. God was so gracious in answering my prayer: It was not stomach cancer but a different type of cancer in the stomach muscle rather than in the gland itself. This cancer, though still malignant, is not as aggressive as stomach cancer. More great news followed in that the doctor believed the tumor could be completely removed. I know the biopsy could have revealed different results, and that that would not change the fact that God is good, but oh, how thankful I am, that this is the path we’re walking and not the other!

I want to share three big lessons I have learned so far as a result of this experience. Kelly and I have talked several times about our desire to not let this journey be wasted in our lives. We want to learn what God has for us and be changed to be more like His Son as a result of going through it. Maybe these three things will challenge or encourage you as well.

1. Trusting God’s Sovereignty is imperative in hard times.

               This was something I said to Kelly just hours after the news that he had a mass on his stomach: “If we don’t have God’s Sovereignty, we don’t have anything.” In that moment, I was grief-stricken and fearing a future without my husband, and I knew that the only thing that could sustain me was believing that IF such a thing happened, God would be sovereign over it and have a good reason for it. Partly due to this experience and also due to my proneness in general to worry, I have started Jerry Bridges’ book Trusting God which shows from Scripture God’s sovereignty over circumstances, people, and simply every detail of our lives. The time to ground ourselves in the knowledge that God is in control of all things, and that in the midst of that He is all-loving and wise, is perhaps not in the storms of life but in the times of calm. Then, when the storms do hit, we have the Scripture and truths hidden in our hearts to fight the lies that inevitably come when we face trials.

2. Our brother and sisters in Christ are vital to us in hard times.

               Each text I received was a reminder that we were not alone in this, that there were people who cared about us and loved us. I started making a list of the verses that people shared with me, and I was so very grateful for the prayers of others. Scripture itself teaches that the prayers of a righteous man (or woman) avail much. The morning of the biopsy, I received a text from a dear friend who told me that she was crying with me, and that she and her husband were committed to walking this road with us. At that point it still looked like stomach cancer and that road could have indeed been long and hard, but to know that this friend was going to walk this road with me was true friendship and God’s love on display. We also received cards with encouraging words, a care package from a sweet lady in our church, several who offered to help with kids or meals when we needed it, and many who told us they were praying. Friends, this is what the body of Christ should be. It showed me how much I have been lacking in this area in my own life.  I can be so busy with my own responsibilities and tasks that I miss opportunities to show care to others in hard times. Oh, how I want to change in this area!

3. God’s Word comes alive in different ways when we go through hard times.

               The passage I most associate with the early days of Kelly’s diagnosis is Isaiah 43:1-3. Interestingly enough, in my verse memory plan this was the first passage I memorized this year, and this was also the passage that Kelly opened up the worship service with two days before the tumor was found! “Fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and the rivers shall not overwhelm you. When you walk through fire, you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.” I think this verse was the first thing I said to Kelly through tears after a mostly sleepless night that Tuesday. He responded with the passage he’d been preparing for his upcoming message: “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self-control” (2 Timothy 1:7). And it’s not that these verses immediately took away the fears or gave us a great sense of peace, but they were something to cling to that we could claim as true, even if we didn’t understand how it would all work out. God had placed both of those passages in our lives at the right time, because He knew we would need them that very week. Also, several women in our church have been memorizing Psalm 34 this year, and two different women memorizing that passage used it to encourage me. Of course I had come across all of these verses before, but you hear and understand them differently in times of hardship.

               Walking this road over the past month has shown me the importance of God’s Sovereignty, fellow believers, and Scripture. Maybe I mostly wrote this Cup of Grace for me, to keep before me the things that God is teaching, but I hope that God would use this somehow in your life as well. And Kelly and I covet your prayers as he goes in early tomorrow morning (June 17) for surgery. We are praying specifically that the doctor is able to remove the entire tumor, that Kelly would be able to keep his spleen, and that his acid reflux would not get worse (as the doctor feels it very likely will). But all of this we must leave in the sovereign hands of our loving, all-wise God. We are also praying that we could bear Christ’s aroma throughout our week in the hospital. Thank you for your love toward us and for your prayers, dear Sisters in Christ.

              

--Amy O'Rear

Open Hands 2

           

More than twelve years ago I asked my son-in-law to take a picture of my hands, stretched out open in front of me.  I wanted a symbol, a representation, of the fact that my children were not mine to control and neither was my life.  I wrote of that struggle and included that picture in the blog here in September of 2011.

            I want to revisit that picture and that surrender here.  I have been confronting that concept again with nuances.

            My children are still a focus.  One son is in New Zealand and I don’t even see him.  (I am grateful for Face Time and texts and e-mails!)  To that mix have been added two granddaughters and soon, a grandson.  My health must be placed there.  I am, after all, growing older.  My time is there.  I value my quiet and must guard against feelings of resentment when I don’t get it.  My own future is there. 

`           My focus here, though, is my possessions.  “People are more important things,” I preached to my children and hopefully practiced, but I find now that I must again place my possessions in my open hands.  Yes, I told my children that people were more important than things, but I am being tested.  There are children coming to my house now who have not been taught to take care of their own things, much less other people’s.  Am I going to clench my hands on my possessions because I view them as more important than these children?

            Jesus said in Luke 12:15 that one’s life does not consist of the abundance of the things he possesses.  He also said in Matthew 6 that we were not to store up treasures on earth, but in Heaven.  Are my things my treasures?  Perhaps the essential idea is found in Paul’s words in I Corinthians 6.  I am not my own; I am bought with a price.  If I am not my own, everything I “own” is not mine.  I belong to Jesus and so do all my possessions.  I have nothing to clutch to myself.

            Michael Card wrote a song he called “The Things We Leave Behind.  I would like to quote a section of that song.

            Every heart needs to be set free

            from possessions

            that hold it so tight

            ‘Cause freedom’s not found in the things that we own,

            It’s the power to do what is right

            Jesus, our only possession,

            giving becomes our delight

            We can’t imagine the freedom we find

            from the things we leave behind

            We show a love for the world in our lives

            By worshipping goods we possess

            Jesus has laid all our treasures aside

            “Love God above all the rest”

            ‘Cause when we say “No”

            to the things of the world

            We open our hearts

            to the love of the Lord and

            it’s hard to imagine

            the freedom we find

            from the things we leave behind.

Oh, it’s hard to imagine

            the freedom we find

            from the things

            we leave behind.

            Today I want that freedom and I want you to have the freedom we can find by placing our possessions on our open palms.  Do we really believe that people are more important than things? 

                                                                        ~~Faith Himes Lamb

Praise

                         

                          “The birdies in the treetops sing their song,

                          The angels chant their chorus all day long.

                          The flowers in the garden add their hue.

                          So why shouldn't I, why shouldn't you, praise Him, too?”

The “Holladay Inn, Cincinnati” has 750-acre Sharon Woods right at our back deck. Brant and I like to sit out on our swing early, with our coffee and Bibles, and listen to the birds and watch the squirrels and rabbits. It is amazing how many different “tunes” we hear. I am positive one of the birds chants: “Teacher! Teacher! Teacher!”

Sometimes the sun is bright and the “songs” keep coming in different cadence...depending on the bird. Sometimes the clouds are heavy...no problem...the birds still sing!

Those birds and their sweet songs have been on my heart for days.

How many times when I was growing up my dad (who was a pastor) quoted Psalm 107: 2:

”Let the redeemed of the LORD say so, whom He hath redeemed from the hand of the enemy.”

Many times, in one of our churches in Pennsylvania, Dad would say to the congregation (even to meJ)...”Sis, stand up and tell us what the Lord has done for you!” He truly believed we should never stop praising the Lord for His salvation and His daily care.

How is your praise today? Can you tell someone that you have been “redeemed from the hand of the enemy” and how God is so gracious to you?

The best tool to encourage me to share my praises is to see what God’s Word says about God Himself and about me...all from chosen verses from one of my favorites -  Psalm 103 (Take the time to read the whole Psalm). Every line could be highlighted! I pray the verses will give you a “song of praise” for today. Don’t rush as you read and meditate!

1. Bless the Lord, O my soul;
And all that is within me, bless His holy name!
^***
8 The Lord is merciful and gracious,
Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy.
^***
10 He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor punished us according to our iniquities.

¹¹ For as the heavens are high above the earth,
So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
¹² As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
***

¹⁷ But the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting
On those who fear Him,
And His righteousness to children’s children,
^***

²⁰ Bless the Lord, you His angels, (Remember the children’s song?)
Who excel in strength, who do His word,
Heeding the voice of His word.
²¹ Bless the Lord, all you His hosts,
You ^[c]ministers of His, who do His pleasure.
²² Bless the Lord, all His works, (Could these be the birds that sing?)
In all places of His dominion.

Bless the Lord, O my soul! (I am in this Psalm!!)

“So why shouldn't I, why shouldn't you, praise Him, too?”

 Maylou Holladay

Slow Down!

When my girls were little, I did a mean thing. I bought a fresh box of warm, Krispy Kreme donuts and told them we could not eat any until we got home, which was about a half-hour away. Well, it wasn’t too mean, because I was just kidding. But what an exercise in self-control that would have been!

I imagine that most of us struggle to control ourselves in some area. My area is food. I want to eat healthy, but life gets busy. Consider this:

“The people I’ve known who have had major moral failings all had one thing in common: they were moving way too fast...Cramming our schedules depletes our willpower and leaves us physically exhausted. It’s the perfect recipe for a moral failure. Slowing down and resting replenishes our willpower reserves…Adopting practices that force you to slow your pace also help. Spending a mere five minutes in meditation or prayer boosts a person’s willpower for the remainder of the day. …No wonder Scripture repeatedly gives us commands such as ‘wait on the Lord’ or ‘be still and know that I am God. Our Creator knows that we need to slow down and rest. When it comes to self-control, the tortoise beats the hare every time,” from the book, “Your Future Self Will Thank You, Secrets to Self-Control from the Bible and Brain Science,” by Drew Dyck.

Recently, I was having a particularly stressful day at work. A co-worker brought in a box of donuts (yes, again with the donuts), and at first I said “no way.” I had packed a nutritious lunch and had resolved to do better. But I continued to rush around and try to get things done, things that really could have waited. I kept thinking about those donuts though. Soon I caved and scarfed down two of them. I felt instant regret. Maybe the outcome would have been different had I taken 5-10 minutes to sit down, be quiet, think about my choices, and ask the Lord for help. I knew that’s what I should do, but I didn’t do it.

So now, I am taking a different approach. I’m trying to develop the habit of slowing down during my day when I’m not over-the-top stressed. I am hoping this habit will carry me through the more stressful times.

Drew Dyck also says this, “The psychologist Jonathan Haidt uses a memorable metaphor to explain how to do this [to use habits to our advantage]. He likens habit to an elephant, ‘a strong, tireless animal’ and willpower to an elephant rider. An elephant can carry heavy loads great distances. The rider atop the large creature rarely exerts much effort. If the elephant is trained, the rider needs only to push and pull occasionally to send the creature in the desired directions. The elephant does most the work. In the same way, by using our willpower (our conscious effort) to train our habits, we can establish healthy routines that carry us through life.”

Do you think developing the habit of slowing down might help you reach your goals?

joyce hague

Of Butterflies and Honeysuckle

Do you love the smell of honeysuckle as much as I do? And does it just make you so nostalgic you could weep?

This is the time of year when changes are on the horizon. For those of us in education--or for those who have loved ones in education--our schedules are full of end-of-school programs and graduation events. It's a sweet and busy time of year. As we go about these busy days, the evenings are redolent with the heady aroma of honeysuckle. We may not always take time to notice it, but when May rolls around again, and that fragrance hits our nostrils, we are overcome with a mixed sense of accomplishment, anticipation, and loss.

It's always good to feel accomplishment, it can be exciting to feel anticipation, and sometimes it's appropriate to leave behind one thing to allow room for the next adventure.

The old and familiar feels so comfortable and predictable that we may be tempted to hold on. But, as we were reminded in church on Sunday morning, some changes necessarily come with stress and pain. That is how we fly! (If you missed the Sunday morning sermon, read up on butterflies.)

When Jesus healed a blind man outside Jericho, Mark tells us the man "cast away his garment, rose, and came to Jesus" (10:50). When I was in college, our campus Bible study group used to sing a song that said, "The best thing in my life I ever did do was to take off the old robe and put on the new."

Paul talked about "forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead" (Philippians 3:13), not as if those things didn't matter but knowing that they brought us here so that we can move on to the next area of service and growth.

I personally dislike change, but God is helping me learn that change can be good, even when it hurts. Change brings new people and new opportunities, and--as I said to a student recently--when you quit changing, you're dead.

This has been, and continues to be, a lovely spring. The honeysuckle and the gardenia and all the other beautiful and heartbreaking scents will continue to stir my emotions, I'm sure. But I pray I can remember to enjoy each moment and welcome the good things--even the changes--to come, looking forward to what God has in store.

--Sherry Poff

Celebrate Mom!

For many days, now, we have been exhorted to tell our moms we love them. Buy her flowers! Buy her candy! Buy a fabulous dinner! Buy bubble bath, salt scrub, and a spa day! Buy jewels – especially ones representing her children! Buy! Buy! I do understand that gifts are one way of demonstrating love. The real question, as always, is, “What does God say?”

Hear the Word of the Lord: (Ladies, let’s assume the references to “son” would include “daughter.”)

“Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you…” Deut. 5:16 NIV

“A wise son brings joy to his father, but a foolish son brings grief to his mother.” Prov. 10:1

“A wise son brings joy to his father, but a foolish man despises his mother.” Prov. 15:20

“If someone curses their father or mother, their lamp will be snuffed out in pitch darkness.” Prov. 20:20

“Listen to your father, who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old. Buy the truth and do not sell it—wisdom, instruction and insight as well. The father of a righteous child has great joy; a man who fathers a wise son rejoices in him. May your father and mother rejoice; may she who gave you birth be joyful!” Prov. 23:22-25

Want to make Mom happy? Be a wise kid. (OK, you can buy her a present, too.) Even if your mom is gone and you can’t give her anything, your wisdom and right behavior will continue to honor her name.

--Lynda Shenefield

A Better Kind of Friend

The elementary age children at our church have recently started going through the book of Mark on Sunday mornings during their children’s church hour. This morning it was my turn to teach, and the passage was the well-known story of the paralytic man being lowered through the roof of the house to be healed by Jesus. Of course, a vital part of the story (probably the most important part) is that Jesus forgives the man’s sins before he ever heals him, addressing his biggest need first. Here Christ shows His deity, since, as the scribes reason in their hearts, only God can forgive sins. To prove his authority to forgive sins and show that He really is God, Christ does then heal the paralytic. What a great event to be included in Scripture showing Christ’s deity, His desire to reconcile man to Himself, and His compassion for the hurting!

            Yet what I find myself thinking about most today is the persistence of the four friends. They knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that what their friend needed most was Jesus, and they went to great lengths to get him to Christ. The room in which Jesus was speaking was packed; there was no way in with a man on a pallet. So they went up to the roof and removed the tiles (probably clay tiles) and lowered their friend down to Jesus. They didn’t put it off until a more convenient time, they didn’t worry about what others would say, and they didn’t give up when it required more effort. Their faith that Jesus could heal this man – that Jesus was the answer to the problem – was unshakable.

            And that truth has not changed over the last 2000 years. Jesus is still the answer, and He is still the only One who can meet our deepest needs. And the best friends are still the ones who point us to Christ.

            Today’s advice, sadly even in Christian circles, often sounds like this: “You can do it! You’ve got this, girl! Believe in yourself!” Yet this is not the Christian message, and deep down we all know we don’t have what it takes. If it all depended on us, let’s be honest: We’d be sunk. And I’m not just talking about salvation; I think we all agree that is in Christ alone. I’m talking about day-to-day living: pressures at work, challenges in parenting, keeping a marriage strong, dealing with changes in life, making difficult decisions, and so on. I, for one, cannot meet the challenges of life, so please don’t tell me I can. Instead, follow the example of the four friends and point me to Christ.

            These are just some of the truths about Jesus to which we can point our believing friends: Jesus cares for you and wants you to cast your burdens on Him (I Peter 5:7). His yoke is easy and His burden is light (Matthew 11:30). He will never leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).  Through Him, you can face all things (Phil. 4:13). He will complete the work He has started in you (Phil. 1:6). He will always provide a way to stand against the temptation you face (I Cor. 10:13). Without Him, you can do nothing (John 15:5). He loves you and calls you friend (John 15:12-15). In Him, we are blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places (Ephesians 1:3).

Yes, Jesus is and always will be the answer. We can do no kinder thing for our friends than point them to Him.

--Amy O"Rear