The Illusion of Control

We humans give ourselves much more sovereignty in running our lives than we actually have. We work hard and save money to avoid a financial crisis down the road. We eat healthy and exercise to live long lives. We research everything from sleep-training to different types of education to give our kids the best future possible. But what happens when the unexpected takes place despite doing everything right? The long months without a job. The health diagnosis. The child who wanders away. Maybe we realize that we never had control in the first place.  It was all an illusion.

Since my husband and I heard the word ‘cancer’ on May 7, the Lord has graciously been plowing the ground of my heart, uprooting that which was looking to self and not to Him. The greatest and hardest of the uprooting has been in the area of worrying. This has been a struggle for me since childhood. There have been seasons in which worry was not intense, but then there have also been seasons in which I have been plagued by fears. Leading up to my husband’s cancer diagnosis I was in a very intense period of the latter. The finding of multiple malignant tumors in the muscle tissue of Kelly’s stomach obviously magnified this exponentially.

One afternoon amidst fearful thoughts concerning all the unknown, it was as if the Lord said, “Amy, choose to stop worrying. Fight against it.” And I wondered what it would be like to choose not to worry, to really stop the worries in their tracks. Surprisingly, in that moment, I realized I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to stop worrying. Why? Why, when worrying is so all consuming, would I not want to fight it? That afternoon I realized two important things:

One, we worry over that which we want to control. Worrying reveals my desire to control my future and the future of those I love. My worries tend to revolve around the ‘whatifs.’ I know what I want my future to look like and how I think it will work best with the least heartache and pain possible, and if this is threatened, I worry. As the illusion of control slips from my fingers, I try to process the various outcomes, maybe in an effort to prepare myself so nothing catches me off guard. Choosing not to worry then is like admitting I can’t control the future or prepare myself for every scenario, showing that worrying itself is pointless. But isn’t this what Christ already told us? In Matthew 6, Jesus asks the question, “Can any of you add one moment to his life span by worrying?” And in the parable of the man who stored grain in order to have a nice retirement but died before being able to enjoy it, he shows us our inability to control our futures despite the best planning (Luke 12). So here is the truth we need to grasp: I cannot control my life or the lives of those I love. Neither can you. We become frantic and worry when we are the ones trying to figure it all out, solve the problem, and get life back to a comfortable normal. But a comfortable normal was never promised to me or you. Something better though was promised: That an all-sovereign, loving, and wise One controls all that happens in our lives and promises to use it for good. That our future rests securely in Him and there we can find peace. I agree with Pastor Matt Chandler who, during his own season of battling brain cancer, realized, “It is a freeing thing to understand that you have no control.” As long as you think you do have control, you will be filled with anxious striving to bring about your happy ending and will be crushed when you can’t make it happen.

The second thing I realized that afternoon is my faulty thinking that choosing not to worry means I don’t care. This is a lie that must be fought with truth. It is true that I only worry about the things that I care about, but this does not automatically mean that I don’t care if I don’t worry. You see, Christ Himself, who cared deeply about others, commanded us not to worry (Matthew 6:25ff). Worrying and caring are not synonyms. Caring is a healthy concern that will drive me to do what I can (look for a job, follow the doctor’s advice for health, do what I believe is best for my children), realizing at the same time that I cannot control the outcome, but I lay that down at the feet of the One who does. Worrying, however, doesn’t stop at the doing what I can; it does not leave the problem with God but takes it upon myself. Choosing not to worry does not reveal unconcern; it reveals the understanding that concerns belong in the hands of our capable Heavenly Father who commands us to rest in that truth.

Those two realizations that afternoon led to a tear-filled prayer that night on my knees before God. I made the choice to fight the fears, giving my husband, my children, and myself to God. I made the choice, for the first time since my husband’s cancer diagnosis, to take my hands off and give him to the Lord for His will to be done. Tears fill my eyes even now as I type this, for it is not an easy thing. But, dear sister, I never had control in the first place. It was all an illusion.

The worries and fears still come. But I have taken the first step. I have decided not to give them free reign. When a fear enters my mind, I fight it by praying, reciting Scripture, and setting my mind on things above (Col.3:1). I fill my mind with truths about God’s goodness and sovereignty. Complete victory will not happen overnight and it may always be a struggle on this earth, but it is worth the battle. Sisters in Christ, let us fight the fight of faith. And let us rejoice together and encourage one another with the truth that the future rests securely in the hands of One who loves our families far more than we do and who has promised a future day when all sickness and pain and sadness will be no more, and the battle against fear will be won.

--Amy O'Rear