JUST WAIT!

I have two subjects with which I am well acquainted at this time in my life...Krispy Kreme donuts and Grief.  And since there are no words to adequately describe the almost spiritual experience of eating a hot Krispy Kreme, I'm left with the latter.

If you haven't met grief, you will...in some form.  After my husband's death four months ago and even before, I was drop-kicked into a thick, heavy cloud of pain and fear.  It hurts!  It hurts a lot!  Along with the unbelievable emotional pain, there are so many unexpected physical symptoms...tight chest, headaches, panic attacks, sleeplessness, fear, frizzy hair and forgetfulness. (I just threw the frizzy hair in there for sympathy). I forgot where I was on more than one occasion and it wasn't an "I've lost my car at the mall" forgetfulness.  There are some days that I am afraid to look down for fear that I am not fully dressed.  However, before you run out to Walgreens to stock up on Valium just to get through this blog,  my point is to tell you that through this shroud of horror, through the darkness of Dan's illness and death, God was drawing me closer to Him and teaching me things that I just didn't want to learn.  I'm still not a great fan of learning hard things but that's what He does whether we like it or not. 

One of those lessons is “to wait”.  Just wait!  I don’t like it...never have.  From big things to little, it didn’t matter, probably a flaw in my personality but I have never had patience. I wanted things fixed so that my mind could be clear and I could sleep at night.    And when Dan first became a victim of this horrendous disease, I was not going to become a victim of other people’s timetable.  And It worked, at first.  I was able to tactfully barge my way into offices and kindly demand what I needed to know, and developed a “professional” way of nagging through letters and phone calls.  For months I read books and articles on cancer and recovery, I talked to nurses and other hospitals and finally, when I realized that there was no other way out of this sad and desperate situation other than God, I sat back and listened. 

And God said, “Wait”.  And we did.  We waited through surgery, and for the doctor, we waited for bad news and waited for good, we waited for morning during long nights, and for the sun to go down on hard days, we waited for phone calls, for pain to subside, we waited through chemo, and we waited for God to heal Dan.  But He didn't!  And finally, we waited for the Lord to take him Home. 

And now, on my own and without my husband God still tells me to wait.  Through my grief and His Word, He tells me to lean on Him because He is preparing me for something great. So, I wait!  I wait for the morning that I don't feel pain,  I wait for God to heal my heart, to show me what’s next in my life, to light my path and to give me direction.   I wait because He has promised joy again, he has promised to restore me and to pull me up from the pit. And I wait on Him with a calm heart because I know it’s best for me and that by doing so He will give me His peace.  And He has.

I’m not so impatient any more. I probably wouldn't even get angry if you took my pew at church..but don't!  I even find myself driving the speed limit and standing in long lines doesn't phase me.  But I must warn you..if  the “hot donut” sign is flashing and you are in front of me, I make no promises.

Joy Dilts