Ask for Help

 

I am not the greatest at asking for help. There are a variety of reasons for this. I can be a bit particular about how things should be done, so it is often easier for me to just do it myself than take the time to explain how I think it should be done. I struggle with the idea of someone else doing something I care about and then it not turning out how I envisioned. I also don’t want to bother people with things I could just do myself. They have their own lives going on, and I don’t want to add on to someone else’s stress. Asking for help is a show of vulnerability, and it can be so hard to open up like that.

 

About a month ago, a coworker and I were catching up about all the things going on at work and in our personal lives. I told her that it just felt like a lot. We’ve got a new database system at work, and I’m currently writing training program for others to learn it. Dad’s surgery was coming up, and on top of that, I’m planning a wedding. (Little did I know that more was coming.) My coworker looked at me and said, “Concetta, you have a community of people who want to help you. If you want me to help with decorating for the wedding, just ask, and I will be happy to do it. You have so many people in your life who would be willing to help. You just have to ask.” Her words kept coming to mind over the next day; it was like God was nudging me to get over myself and ask for help. So the next day, I asked for help in putting together the power point for the training. And then God just kept giving me opportunities to ask for help. 

 

Prior to Dad’s surgery, we discussed whether or not we would need help with meals. With Mom unable to drive and Dad not allowed to drive for a week post-surgery, Alyssa and I would be the ones running errands and getting the things needed. We were planning on trading off staying with them to help however we could while also still working. Alyssa pushed for getting help with meals, and I was nominated to ask Pastor for help with a meal train. I cannot fully express how much help that meal train turned out to be. 

 

Five days after Dad’s surgery, Grandma went to the ER via ambulance for significant confusion and high blood pressure. I rushed out of work, picked up Mom, and drove to the hospital. They discharged her not long after we arrived, but we weren’t convinced everything was all good. We picked up some supplies from Grandma’s apartment and brought her back to Mom and Dad’s to keep an eye on her. The next day when I asked her about lunch, Grandma began slurring her words. We jumped into action, loaded her in the car, and sped back to the ER.

 

The next couple days were filled with a lot of hospital waiting, driving through torrential rain, talking with doctors and nurses, driving Dad to a post-op appointment, and just generally trying to stay sane in the midst of it all. In those moments when eating was just for survival, that meal train was a lifesaver. So was all the other help that people provided: picking up and transporting needed supplies, taking care of dogs, picking up the slack at work. I got a lot of practice asking for help that week.

 

We often talk about “bearing one another’s burdens,” and I have come to understand that it is an essential part of community. When we help each other out, we are stronger. But I think we can be pretty good at helping other people when they’re in need while not allowing ourselves to receive help. We make all kinds of excuses about why other people deserve our help but how we can do things for ourselves just fine. If we are to bear each other’s burdens though, we must also allow our burdens to be borne. We must lay aside the perfectionism, people pleasing, and prideful hearts that keep us from allowing others to show Christ’s love by offering help. Of course there needs to be a balance here. We should not swing to selfishness or stop offering our help to others. But simply opening oneself up to be helped is not selfish. It is vulnerable, perhaps more honest than we want to be about our own shortcomings.

 

We still have a lot going on in our family. Grandma’s brain is healing following three mini strokes, and she can no longer live by herself. Dad is continuing to recover from his surgery, and things at work continue to be busy as the school year starts. Of course, I am still planning for a wedding and married life beyond. And I still have the urge to just try and do it all myself. This learning to ask for help thing isn’t a simple switch in my brain, which is probably why God keeps giving me opportunities to practice. So I write this primarily as a reminder to myself—a reminder of how important community is, how only vulnerability can lead to truly knowing one another, and how beautiful it can be when the body of Christ cares for each other.

 

--Concetta Swann