Losses into Gains

Years ago, I taught a class for prospective foster and adoptive parents (MAPP). One of our sessions was on losses, our own and those of the children we would be serving, and how to turn those into gains. On the board, we listed typical losses the participants had experienced and then we discussed how God had used those losses for good in their lives. We looked for the positives, for things for which to be grateful. Unprocessed losses (or traumas) keep people in bondage. They often lead to addiction, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, health problems, complaining, negativity, etc. Our hope was to lead children who had many losses into a place of freedom.

Corrie ten Boom, as described in the books“ The Watchmaker’s Daughter” and “The Hiding Place,” is an excellent example of a person who took her many losses and traumas and turned them into gains. When she spoke publicly, she often focused on forgiveness. (This amazes me considering the incredible harsh realities this woman suffered.) She knew people could not heal if they could not forgive. Anger and bitterness rooted in unforgiveness can fester within like a bad infection. It’s contagious too.

Have you seen the short video floating around the internet of a garbage truck that dumps his garbage all over a much smaller car? The garbage truck is a picture of a person who is full of anger and then spews that anger all over innocent bystanders. Facing losses can be painful and scary, but there’s a saying, “Choose your hard.” The consequences of not dealing with loss can be huge. It might poison a person’s physical health, their relationships with others and God, their work, their mental health, etc.

So, what can help? A trained Christian counselor can help a person sort through losses and challenge lies. I hear counselors are overwhelmed right now, but many good books, articles, and Bible studies have been written on a variety of topics. Podcasts are available for audible learners. Being intentional about seeking resources is key. Resources are available to those who choose to stop avoiding their issues. To those who choose courage over fear.

Of course, we know the Bible is the greatest source of healing when read and meditated upon and obeyed consistently. Prayer is also of primary importance. Talk it over with God. Ask Him for help and guidance and healing.

Yet, we are not supposed to go-it alone. A wise, trusted, mature believer – someone who is a good listener – can bring perspective and insight into your situation. Pray for God to lead you to the just-right person for you to consult. People who have been through hard times can be helpful because they understand how you feel, but so can people who have not been hampered by the effects of trauma. Sometimes they can see things more clearly. They are like the healthy helping the sick get better. They might have the strength and energy to carry you along. I know when I am sick, I don’t always think straight. That’s when I need someone healthy to speak truth to me. To benefit, I must consider what they are saying, ask if it aligns with what God has said, and not become defensive.

A quick word to the healthy. You don’t have to have all the answers. Pray for those you are helping. While soaking yourself in His Word, ask God for wisdom in what you should say to them. Cultivate good listening skills. People often already have the answers to their problems, so be slow in doling out advice. They might just need you to listen and ask good questions. These are skills that can be learned.

Where are you in all of this? Are there unprocessed losses or traumas you need to face? Are you angry, bitter, paralyzed? Scared? That’s okay. Baby steps. Are you full of unforgiveness? Remember, forgiveness is a decision, an act of obedience that benefits you and not necessarily the offender. It is not always a feeling. The same is true of gratitude. Without gratitude and forgiveness, healing will elude us. Press on and heal.

(((Hugs)))

joyce hague

P.S. Focus on the Family, Family Life Today, Moody Publishers, and Lifeway have many great resources.