Only the Lonely

I had never felt more alone, and the last thing I needed was a teacher yelling in my face. He took me my surprise too. I came to his office on other business, but instead he ambushed me. His twisted, red face eclipsed everything else. He threatened to remove me from the Honor Society due to a drop in grades. This berating took place, not in his office, but in the outer office where people could hear and stare. I had no history of disciplinary problems, and consistently earned good grades. This was out of character for me. This hot-head didn’t try to find out why my grades were slipping, nor did anyone else.

If he had, he would have discovered several things that were happening during my senior year of high school: Doctors diagnosed my father with lung cancer, and the strain of it didn’t help my relationship with my mom or dad. My boyfriend and I struggled through a bad breakup. Late night work led to exhaustion from lack of sleep. My friends had different schedules from mine, so we drifted. I had leaned heavily on my church youth group for emotional support all through middle and high school, but all the leaders I was close to were moving away. Even God seemed far, far away. It was the loneliest time of my life. Before any of this, I already struggled with self-esteem issues. I felt ugly and unpopular. I lacked mature coping skills, and there seemed to be no one to speak truth into my life. I had much to sort out.

Doing it alone – or so it seemed - is probably why this dark road would be a long one. It took about four years for me to come fully into the light again. Here’s how it went:

My father died when I was a freshman in college. In a strange way, this would begin to heal me. Grief taught our family members to express love better. We hugged more and learned to say I love you. My mom and I clung to each other in fear of the unknown. Dad’s ordeal had bonded us.

Still, I carried the boyfriend-breakup alone. My family could have helped me carry that burden if I had shared it with them. Really, I didn’t know how to verbalize my feelings. Much of it wasn’t even about the boyfriend. I felt rejected and unworthy of male attention. But one day, my sadness turned to anger. Tired of feeling depressed, I decided I didn’t need him. I would be myself, and people could accept me or not. It was time to toss self-pity in the corner and gain some self-respect. After that, I reconnected with some friends.

My girlfriends and I didn’t wait around to go on dates. We made our own plans and some good memories too. After a couple of years of girlfriend-therapy, I was ready for true love. God answered my prayers and sent me a perfect match. Dan filled my empty tank with love and acceptance. Having good relationships had certainly helped my loneliness, but I had underestimated the importance of caring for my body and the role that played in my overall wellness.

I didn’t fully embrace healthy living then, but I did begin to exercise and sleep more. To manage my stress, I cut my schedule at school and at work. It took longer for me to graduate college, but these changes helped lift my depression.

One thing remained. My relationship with God would be stale for a long time. Yet, I never lost my spiritual hunger. I had tasted the Lord. I had heard His voice, but He had been quiet. I now realize that even though quiet, He never left me. He still gets the credit for the healing I experienced even though I couldn’t see His hand. He brought my family close during a crisis; He brought friends and a good husband to make life worth living; He helped me sort out immature feelings. But still, I missed hearing Him whisper in my spirit.

One day, a young girl offered me a devotional magazine. I began to read it every day along with the selected Bible passages, and over time, God’s Spirit began to teach me many things about Himself. Gently, He addressed rebellion and disobedience in my life. He uncovered lies I had believed, and His truth brought wholeness. I spoke to Him, and He spoke to me.

Maybe you remember this old hymn?

In The Garden – by Austin Miles

I come to the garden alone, while the dew is still on the roses;

And the voice I hear, falling on my ear, the Son of God discloses.

And He walks with me, and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own;

And the joy we share as we tarry there, None other has ever known.

He speaks, and the sound of His voice is so sweet the birds hush their

 singing; And the melody that He gave to me Within my heart is ringing.

And He walks with me, and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own;

And the joy we share as we tarry there, None other has ever known.

joyce hague